*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
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A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.