Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
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Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind