Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
You Might Also Like
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*