*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
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Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Dead sexy!!
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?