Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands

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Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.


Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards


Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.


The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.


My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.


“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday


I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.


[me all weekend]

[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994


Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner