@adult_mom

Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands

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@AmericanGent69

Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.

@Smooheed

Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards

@robdelaney

Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.

@_Fariis

The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.

@daydrinkindad

My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.

@birbigs

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday

@Social_Mime

I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

@DanAmira

[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT

[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994

@FunnyBison

Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner