Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
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Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Rt to bother an English speaker
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
just having fun
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.