Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
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I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.