triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
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Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.