Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….

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Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.

Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!


My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.


I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.


[Disney Pitch Meeting]

Writer: So kids love puppies

Exec: Haha true

Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them

Exec: First off, it’s perfect


The only thing we have to fear is fear itself


When a women asks if you notice anything different


I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.


*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*


[first time hearing bag pipes]

ME: What a pleasant experience.

[1 minute later]

ME: This can stop.



What is your greatest strength?

“Throwing my voice”

You’re hired!

“Ok great, thanks”

Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good


me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate

professor: i meant questions about the midterm