Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
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Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
So true for me
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.