Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
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My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
When a women asks if you notice anything different
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm