@Aikiwomannc *3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
@greenmartinis Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
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@Aikiwomannc 
@HatfieldAnne My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
@Writepop I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
@AdamBroud [Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
@Pierre__4 The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
@Tmoney68 I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
@Scottzilla667 *puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
@FrazzleMyGimp [first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
@daemonic3 [interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
@ch000ch me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm