Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
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Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
ibopfufen
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work