Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
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An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Life is a suicide mission.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
I don’t make the rules sorry
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor: