Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
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ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.