Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
You Might Also Like
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
My birth announcement for our third baby
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…