True?
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I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
asking santa clause for nudes
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.