True.
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Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Boom, boom, ching!
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
This makes total sense…
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.