True
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Ok but actually
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Challenge accepted.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.