True
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Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL