true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
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I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit