true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
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Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Pretty much! 😂👀
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.