True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
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Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Mistakes were made
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
live long and prosper!
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?