True embarrassment lies within your first email address
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Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25
slow driver in front of me:
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
My love language is hissing.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them