True embarrassment lies within your first email address
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I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers