True embarrassment lies within your first email address
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Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
I think we now have enough evidence to know that abolishing billionaires is a public health issue. It’s inhumane to let anyone suffer the brain damage caused by that kind of money
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?