True freaking story!
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I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them