True freaking story!
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Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit