True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
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I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.