True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
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Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.