true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
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Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Previously On Persistence 😎
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
FRED: right
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.