True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
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Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years