True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
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me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
what
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire