True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
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I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?