True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
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Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
How it started How it’s going
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu