[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
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Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?