True story 🤣
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OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Confused owl: What?!
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?
me: yes
[next time opening the document]
microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Expect the unexporcupine.
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Tastes like chicken.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
I’m a self-made hundredaire
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.