TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.

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Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?

Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.


Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.


For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.


Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.


[first day as a pharmacist]

ME: Where are all the animals?


LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.


“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.


Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.


Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…

it’s the thought that counts