TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
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I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Oh hi lol
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.