True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
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Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.