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[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?