@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
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[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
The big book of baby names but for safe words
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Oh my god
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON