#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
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The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Always…
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
#winning
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
This checks out
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)