Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
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Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
rise and shine we got egg
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
I thought this was funny lol
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”