Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
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SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Has there ever been a more American story?
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
File under excellent bookstore names.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.