trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
You Might Also Like
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
a public service announcement
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.