TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
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funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
me when I see my crush
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”