TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
You Might Also Like
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
How do dragons blow out candles?
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.