TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
You Might Also Like
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.