Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
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Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.