TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
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I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY