TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
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“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you