“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
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Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
🤔😂😂
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”