@Kyle_Lippert

“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING

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@lovejulieacafe

Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.

Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>

@Florescience

Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*

@ComicLover_94

In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.

@sofarrsogud

ON PHONE WITH MY MOM

HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?

ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin

@brokemycoccyx

Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.

Don’t make this weird…

@david8hughes

[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week

@SavageDabs69

I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*