@lovejulieacafe Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
@Kyle_Lippert “Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
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@lovejulieacafe 
@Florescience Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
@ComicLover_94 In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
@sofarrsogud ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
@brokemycoccyx Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
@human_not_bees Teach your children to beatbox
@trevso_electric Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
@nowthisnews Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
@david8hughes [shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
@SavageDabs69 I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*