trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
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Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars