Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
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Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.