TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
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First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.