Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
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Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want