Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
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[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
The Backseat Boys
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
british sex workers really pound for pound
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive