Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
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My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?