Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning

I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.

*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011*

*adds “Historian” to bio*

People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly

How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?

All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.

My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….

“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.

Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.

-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.

I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.

I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”

ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?

HER: camembert

ME: me either

“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?

Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.

~family owned restaurants.

Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…

I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.

Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.

Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.

*gets laser eye surgery*

“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”

I told you, that’s not what—

*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*

*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakable

Me: HAHA!

Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way

Me:

Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.

Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:

If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.

[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]

“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”

Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”

I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.

to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath

Don’t tell me how to lift my baby

Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”

I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.